(scraping ice) buford:hmm. aren't bermuda sunfishusually an orangey colour? renee:oh! the ink in my penis frozen!
the dripping pipe over my deskwas really annoying, but now it justmakes me nervous. really nervous! enough is enough!
(bang) (the ice cracks) (thump) renee:miss sour pickle, it is way too coldin this school! something hasgot to be done! miss sour pickle? hmph! it has the signatures ofevery student in our classroom.
buford:the ones with frostbittenfingers just put an "x". sour pickle:oh look... our little student activists have started a petitionfor more heat. other teachers:(laugh) if you wanted a warmlearning environment, you should have chosenhome schooling! (laughs) jacob:it's hopeless.
we'll just have to wearmore layers until spring. (gust of warm air) (sighs of relief) heat at last! where's itcoming from? greedyguts:(humming) renee:principal greedyguts?! jake:no wonder we're freezing! he's using all the heatfor his tiki room!
what a stinker!what a stinker! buford:yeah... but he's a toastywarm stinker. (ringing) ♪ hey! jacob! ♪ they call me two-two ♪ ♪ jacob two-two ♪
whoa! (laughing) (growling) (roaring) oof! ♪ two-two ♪ greedyguts:(grunts of content) these spa treatmentscertainly cut into my work day, but i'm loath to ignoredoctor's orders.
(sly chuckle) (fart) bubbly. leo louse:we got a problem, boss. greedyguts:leo?! can't you seei'm soaking my corns?! (tinkle like a bell) it's all this snow! that truckload of roastduckling you ordered
can't make itto the loadin' dock. greedyguts:(chuckles) the reason we have rulesis so you can respect them! i'm sure this punishmentwill help you remember that the wearing of hats,ear muffs, scarves and mittens inside the schoolis strictly forbidden! renee:even with everyone digging, it will take a weekto clear all this snow. (grunts)
more like a month!a month! whoa! buford:(whew) at least all this shovellinghas warmed me up. i can feelmy toes again! all twenty three! (rumbling) avalanche! children:(scream)
renee:non! a snowplough! children:(cheer) who is it? i don't know, but whoever it is,they're my hero! my hero! greedyguts:anyone for hot chocolate? real marshmallows. greedyguts:there's no better way
to take the chill outof children. do you think hisguilty conscience has finally gottento him? maybe he doesn't want to bea stinker anymore! or maybe he is upto something? (buford slurping) (burp) delicious! it is true,jake.
he reallyhas changed! greedyguts:you're most welcome,my children. (giggles) (school bell rings) (humming) renee:bonjour, principal greedyguts! jake:thanks for helping usclear all that snow! greedyguts:me, help you? the very ideamakes me queasy.
and i don't likefeeling queasy, two-two. sorry, sir!sorry, sir! (sigh) i should have knownprincipal greedyguts' niceness was too good to last. renee:what is everyone reading? buford:can't be report cards. they're all smiling. classmate:hey, hey, hey!
anybody got a pen?anyone? salvationis a signature away! cheery meadowselementary school? jacob:look! skateboardingin the hall! renee:and hot tubs in the library! jacob:whoa! awesome, huh? oof. my time in thisfrozen dump is over!
i'm sending inmy application today! jake:where did you get it? from principalgreedyguts! all:principal greedyguts?! y.b. greedyguts:yes, children! your days of sufferingare soon to end. take these. these are your passportsto the promised land. all:gee, thanks. merci!
y.b. greedyguts:oh you're most welcome,dear ones. why is he handing outbrochures for a different school? who cares? hand over that pen,jake! i.m. greedyguts:what are you doing with that?! hand it over!give me that! give it here! hand 'em over!give! give me! give me!
(growls) greedyguts giveth,greedyguts taketh away! mais pourquoi? but i'm surehe's up to something. i.m. greedyguts:i've worked my fingersto the bone to get to where i am! i don't need thistorment in my life! y.b. greedyguts:you must understand, i'm only doing thisfor the children.
he's talking to himself! just like my aunt blanche. one minute she's niceas can be, the next she's barkinglike a mad dog and chasing me up a tree. i.m. greedyguts:then do whatever it isyou're doing for the children at someone else's school! some day,i hope you will change. jacob:greedyguts has lost his mind!
renee:let's find our applications and transfer outof this crazy place! before it's too late!too late! i.m. greedyguts:(ahem) are you miscreantslooking for these? but, you just left. how did you... that was my low-down,no-good, meddling, schemingtwin brother,
y.b. greedyguts. jake:(chuckle) well, now thatwe've cleared up that little misunderstanding. we'll just take our-- you won't be needing these where you're going. (evil laugh) i.m. greedyguts:you'll transfer to cheerymeadows
over my dead body. that'll be quitea climb. we're gonna needa step ladder. oh, my diabolicaltwin hasn't won yet. jake:no wonder principal greedygutsis such a stinker! his twin brother inheritedall the niceness genes! i.m. greedyguts:you've only seen one sideof my brother. you don't know the kind ofperson he really is at heart. he's a no-good,low-down, sneaky,
conniving weasel! ten times worsethan i am! eleven maybe. if you think yourvicious slander against your dear,sweet, kind brother will change my decision, you are sadly mistaken! don't you feelthe least bit of loyalty to your beloved principal?hm?
not when cheerymeadows is offering mea mahogany desk with a massage-o-maticrecliner and a built-in 50-galloncoffee dispenser! how do you expect me to runa school without teachers? how do you expectto run a school without any students?! superintendent fussbudgetwill have you shut down in a week!
shut down?! i'll lose my hot tub! my catered buffet breakfasts! my 16-course lunches! and 5-courseafternoon snacks! i can't let this happen! (sighs) if only we'd rescuedour applications, we'd be sitting incheery meadows right now.
i wonder who our substituteteacher du jour will be today? (groan) i hope it isn'tnurse bunion again. buford:you know, i never reallyknew what a hemorrhoid was until she made us watchthat slide show. leo louse:c'mon! c'mon! shake a leg! i.m. greedyguts:leo, what are you doing? superintendent fussbudgetis coming up the front walk this very minute! leo louse:you said to fillthe classroom with kids.
these are all i could findon short notice. this had better work,louse, or my last actbefore i'm fired will be to fire you! (ahem) and off the coastof alberta, you find the continentalshelf brackets. they hold up canada so it don't slideinto the ocean.
goats:(bleating) buford:cool. i didn't know that. i.m. greedyguts:pardon me, miss louse...(laugh) superintendent fussbudgetis here for a little attendance check. (nervous laugh) buford:(giggling) hey, that tickles! superintendent fussbudget:greedyguts!
there is a goatin the classroom! i.m. greedyguts:yes, well, little billy herehas been identified as gifted. as you can see, the spurious reportsof enrolment dropping at dreary meadowsare nothing but a pack of goats...uh, lies! lies. well, i'm sure you havea busy schedule. goodbye,miss fussbudget. (clank of locks)
how dare my brother. those are my hordesof snivelling brats! they're my whiney teachers! i've got to getthem back! leo louse:ow! ooh! these high heelsare a killer! yikes! (goat bleating) i don't know howsour pickle does it. it's like walkingon hockey skates!
whoa! oof! that's it! why didn't i thinkof this before?! my littlegoody-two-shoes brother will never expect this. (evil chuckle) y.b. greedyguts:i deeply sympathize with yourunfortunate circumstances, but as always, i must do what is bestfor the children.
i supposeit was wishful thinking that you would sharea handful of students so that i could keepmy precious school alive. oh, sigh... it's been this way our entire lives, hasn't it? you always win. that's why motheralways liked me best. i do recallone defining moment from our childhood.
one black mark thatwill haunt you forever. it was 1964,wasn't it? y.b. greedyguts: (gasp) no! not that! please! don't dredge up that horrible incident! what could it be?what could it be? my peewee hockey teambeat your team in the house leagueplayoffs! (laugh) renee and jake:greedyguts played hockey?!
he was a peewee? y.b. greedyguts: no! don't say it! please don't say it! loser!loser! loser! augh! it's the only blemishon my otherwise perfect record! how would you likea chance to purge that horrific incident from your memoryonce and for all? what are yougetting at? a rematch.
my dreary meadows team versus yours fromcheery meadows. winner takes all! all of the students,that is. it will be a gamefor the children. very well, brother. tell your team to cinch uptheir chin straps good and tight. tell yoursto wear toe tags!
cheery meadows is toast! why would principal greedygutschallenge his brother to a hockey game? we have the worstschool team in montreal. and not only that, we're the onlyplayers left! buford:(gasp) a magic hockey puck! leo louse:oh and he shoots itinto the corner! beliveau picks it up,
he carries it backto the blue line. and it's over to richard and it's backto beliveau-- w-w-w-w-what are youdoing here?! what are you doing here? i'm not doing nothin'and you didn't see nothin' and you should mindyour own business! so thatis their plan... to cheat!
but we can't win! if we do, we'll be stuck atdreary meadows forever! we've got to getthat phoney puck, so we can lose thisgreedyguts grudge match fair and square! i.m. greedyguts:ready for today's big game,leo? hmm? yeah, the ol' thumbis in top condition. (beeping)
stop it, you fool! renee:hi, principal greedygut. i.m. greedyguts:what do you want? jacob:we just wantedto let you know that we'll doour very, very best to beat cheery meadowstoday. oh you better or i'll make sure you never make itto cheery meadows!
kids:(gasp) oh, there you are. jake:we didn't see anything!we didn't see anything! renee:we were here the entire time! buford:we didn't touchyour phony puck. i'm just hereto wish you luck on behalf ofthe cheery meadows team. oh.it's you. oh!what a relief.
we thought you wereyour scary-looking identical twin brother. so, the oldtrick puck gag. jake:don't worry,we got rid of it. such honestyand integrity. i only wish youwere my brother instead of that cad! just think,by this time tomorrow, that kind-heartedprincipal
will be our principal. all we have to do is go out thereand lose! as usual!as usual! (whistle blows) buford:they sure area husky bunch! bye. get it outof our end! i'm tryin'!i'm tryin'!
(buzzer) you klutz! you scoredon our goal! it wasn't me,boss! maybe the batteriesare loose or somethin'. bravo, boys!bravo! stompin' tom:♪ hello out there,we're on the air ♪ ♪ it's hockey night tonight ♪ ♪ the tension grows,the whistle blows ♪
♪ and the puckgoes down the ice ♪ ♪ the goalie jumps,and the players bump ♪ ♪ and the fansall go insane ♪ ♪ someone roars "bobby scores!" ♪ ♪ at the goodold hockey game! ♪ ♪ oh!good old hockey game ♪ ♪ it's the best gameyou can name! ♪ ♪ and the best gameyou can name ♪ ♪ is the goodold hockey game! ♪
jake:that was a greatfirst period! buford:i've never hadso much ice time! and i'm not evenbreaking a sweat. only two periodsto go until freedom! cheery meadowshere we come! (crackling and rumbling) sour pickle:(coughing) miss sour pickle?! principal greedygutswas telling the truth!
his twin brotheris ten times worse! kids:what?! no, 100 times worse! all that gushing kindnessis just a masquerade; a guise to lurethe unsuspecting. his so-calledcheery meadows is nothing morethan a facade for a filthy powerplant, where everyone is forcedto generate electricity
that he sellsfor obscene profits! it's an endlessnightmare! we don't even getcoffee breaks! jake:oh no! we've gotto win this game! those cheery meadowskids might be big, but we're twiceas wiry! kids? those aren't kids! they're asemi-pro team from the chicoutimipenitentiary
for the criminallyinsane! hey! that's cheating! i'm beginningto suspect principal greedyguts'twin brother isn't really as niceas he seems. oof! my suspicionswere right! stompin' tom:second period. ♪ where players dashwith skates a-flash ♪
♪ the home teamtrails behind ♪ ♪ but they grab the puckand go bursting up ♪ ♪ and they're downacross the line ♪ ♪ they storm the creaselike bumblebees ♪ ♪ and they travellike a burning flame ♪ ♪ we see them slidethe puck inside ♪ ♪ it's a one-onehockey game! ♪ ♪ oh!the good old hockey game ♪ jake:(groans)
i feel like the targetat a bazooka range. (sigh)we are doomed. (banging) jake:no! we just need a little help! a little help! stompin' tom:third period. last game in the play-offs,too. it's working!i fixed it.
stompin' tom:♪ oh take me wherethe hockey players ♪ ♪ face off down the rink ♪ yes, yes! ♪ and the stanley cupis all filled up ♪ ♪ for the champswho win the drink! ♪ ♪ now the final tip ♪ ♪ on the hockey stick ♪ ♪ and one gigantic scream! ♪ ♪ the puck is in! ♪
(gasp) they've ruinedmy shut-out! ♪ is the best gameyou can name! ♪ grr...no more mister nice guy. bruiser! come! (stomping) sic 'em! buford:heegghh! oooff! buford! (gulp) (burp)
that's it. no! y.b. greedyguts:go make that kid cough upthe puck, and break that tie or you'll all be runninga double shift on the big wheel! hey guys... (gasp) whoa! (remote beeping)
renee:get him off the ice,jake! jake:i'm trying!i'm trying! (roar) oh no! ahhh! jake:buford! buford:wha-hooo! (cough) (crowd cheers,buzzer goes)
both:we're saved! kids:whoo-hooo! hooray! buford:all right! we get to stayat dreary meadows! he's right. why are we cheering? better the greedygutsyou know, than the greedygutsyou don't. kids:(cheer)
both:thpptt! buford:gee, things have sure improvedaround good ol' dreary meadows. renee:oui. the classroomsare warm and cozy and i love readingin this library. jake:yeah. i doubt cheery meadowshas one of these! renee:i doubt principalgreedyguts does either. kids:(chuckles)
fussbudget:no. and there are a goodmany other frills he'll be doing without. jake:i always knew that someday he'd regret beingsuch a stinker. (light flicker) i don't believe it's timefor a break yet? now get a move on,greedyguts!
act 33 & 34 clearances pennsylvania,yes, miss fussbudget.
(whimpers) (picks up pace) ♪♪
